Life Would Be So Much Better Without Goodbyes.

The next day was Monday... I had resolved not to do anything too academic all day. I cleaned, and then... Hillary left. I bawled. And bawled. I'm not going to see Hillary for four whole months! Gaah! I had a nap. And then I woke up to a knock. Ryan was over again. We went and got the playdough again, and then we came to my place and played with it on my table again. We made fun little critters. And Ryan talked and talked and talked. I told him about what happened with his dirt after he had left last night, and thankfully he wasn't upset with me. He was rather upset with Rachelle though... "You can't tell her that I told you that she told! I'll never be allowed to participate in girl talk again!" He laughed. And then he promised.

The next day was Tuesday. The day for biology. But then I couldn't wait all the way until 7pm. Instead I studied all morning and then went to my professor's office to take it earlier. I felt pretty good about it, and then I went home. I tried to study physics. But I felt dead. The more I tried to study, the more I would remember that Ryan was leaving. His original plan was to leave tonight, but he had bartered with his grandfather for tomorrow instead. So that was another day. But still. The very thought haunted me.

I helped Rachel move out... after that I was even sadder. Eventually Ryan signed into chat, where I talked to him as I tried to force myself to study. His last final had taken him four and a half hours, and he had just finished it. He wanted to know how my biology test went. I told him. He remembered that I also had physics to take, and he inquired if I was studying. No, I wasn't. I couldn't. I mused that I might start packing. He wanted to know if he could help. I figured out that he wanted to come over but was paranoid that I'd be busy.

And so I thought about it. He was leaving tomorrow. I don't need to study just yet. I don't need to pack just yet either. And I was stressed. And what we usually did when I just about going crazy with stress... was go on a long walk and explore all over campus. And find hidden things. So...

I told him that I had decided that I didn't feel like studying, or packing, or cleaning, or anything like that, and that I had decided to go on a walk, and that he could come with me if he wanted to. He wanted to.

So... I came down my stairs to see Ryan dashing through the bushes like Tarzan. I smiled. He was trying to make me laugh, I think. And if it had been a normal day I would have... He's usually very good at it, but my thoughts right now were weighed down with finals and the incessant reminder that he'd be gone in less than twenty-four hours.

Alerted by my failure to laugh at his strange behavior, he must have realized right then I was feeling really horrible. Usually when I was having a hard time, he'd make me laugh and everything would be better. I smiled weakly at him when he finally got out of the bushes, and he gave me a huge hug. And then we started walking, without a particular destination. We weren't walking long when Cute Mike showed up. He was heading off to that biology test. We escorted him to the MARB where our biology classroom was. And then me and Ryan started exploring, like we liked to do. We looped around as we were walking and eventually wound up on the balcony of the JFSB. And we sat and talked for a while. Dallin had left earlier that day. I frowned at that, and Ryan saw. "Don't worry," he said. "You'll see him again... he's living with me when we come back to BYU, so you'll see him all the time!" I laughed.

Then I took him down from the very top of the JFSB into its very depths... into the parking garages. He was fascinated. "Oooh! Next time I play laser tag, I'll do it here!" Then I showed him a few of the secret passageways I knew about from when I used to work as a custodian there. I even showed him the preschool. Once out of the JFSB, we moved on and went down the Stairs of Death... and found a bench and sat on it for a while. Then we climbed up the Stairs of Death again, and then decided to try and get to the top floor of the SWKT. Ryan considered for a moment if it was wise, since that's where all the crazy "psych people are"... Unfortunately, the elevator ignored all our pleas for it to take us all the way up to the twelfth floor. But, it did oblige when we asked for the eleventh. Unfortunately again, once we were up there, all the offices and such were locked and we couldn't see any windows. What good was being so high up if you couldn't look out the windows? So we descended to the tenth floor. This time, success. We found a window, and looked out of it for a while ("Ah, a perfect stalking spot!" he said. I laughed). We also found the neuroscience center. Well, that was good enough. We went down to ground level and then came out.

I suddenly realized that I wanted some ice cream. I told Ryan so, and thus we set off for the creamery. We got there and stood in line for a while. Ryan got cookie dough ice cream... I got rocky road. Again, the cashier assumed Ryan was paying for me. We protested and I paid for mine. Then we headed back to my house, and played with 128's playdough again.

I remembered that I had written him a letter, so I brought that out. I hadn't expected him to open it right then and read it there, but he did. After that we played with the playdough again for a while. We got tired of that, and we fell into silence for a while. I started playing piano for a bit. Then Ryan spoke up. "Jenna, let's make plans for after my mission."

I looked over at him. He continued. "I don't really care if we do them or not, I just want to make them so that I have something to look forward to..." I nodded.

Well, the obvious ones came out... we of course have to go exploring campus some more. And there's sure to be a new building. I'll show that one to you. And we could hike the Y. We never did that.

I quipped, "We should make another pie." He smiled. "I was going to say that."

I continued, "Yeah... I've decided I want to learn how to make really good pies. And so I'll practice when you're gone. Maybe one pie a month. That's... about thirty pies, I think. And then you'll be back and we can make a truly amazing cherry pie for Cherish."

He was listening, but I could tell he was calculating pies in his head. He looked at me after a few seconds. "Thirty pies. That was a pretty good guess. It's exactly thirty pies if you count the one we made on Sunday, and the one we'll make when I get back." Then he got a little intense. "Jenna, you have to make those pies! Let's make a pie chart! Do you have a ruler?"

I did. I went and found it, and brought it out. He took a piece of paper from the printer that Alex had given Jackie (he wasn't going to use it for the next two years, so what a better idea than to give it to Jackie?) and started making the chart. I sat next to him and watched. I wasn't so much watching the chart being born as I was watching how Ryan was making it. He was ever so careful, and he was concentrating. I could tell he was concentrating because his nose was moving forward and back.

"Did you know your nose wiggles when you're concentrating?" I asked.

He glanced at me. "Uhh... it's not because I'm concentrating, I don't think." But now that I had point out his nose-wiggling, it was moving left and right instead of forward and back, because now he was thinking about it. I haven't figured out what left and right nose wiggling means, but I'm fairly certain forward and back only happens when he's concentrating on something and not at all thinking out wiggling his nose. I smiled and laughed quietly.

He finished the pie chart, a square for each of the thirty months. "Alright, for every month, you have to make a pie. Even if it's a mud pie or a pie tin full of whipped cream. Make a pie and then draw it in the square for that month." We had two minutes before Ryan had to leave. "Can you draw our cherry pie in two minutes?"

"I don't know. I think so." I pulled out my markers. Unfortunately, it took a while to find the right colors. I drew and colored the pie hurriedly, and then when eleven o clock came, Ryan hugged me and dashed out the door so that he didn't break the Honor Code. I started cleaning up the mess I had left, and discovered under the pile of markers the letter I had written him. I sighed. I emailed him that I was holding it ransom, and thus he had to come say goodbye before he left and retrieve it. Then I went to bed.

I woke up in the morning... and I was not sure what to think about. I had to take the physics final today. I had to. Today was the last day of finals. I pulled out my physics booklet of chapter summaries and tried to concentrate on it. But then I kept remembering that my best friend was leaving today, and then my eyes would tear up and make it impossible to read. I eventually gave up. I ate some food. And then I tried to pack maybe. Gaah. Can't do that either. I finally pulled out my scriptures and read for a while, not knowing what else I could do. Ryan would be cleaning and packing right about now. He was supposed to leave around 3... and then wouldn't see him for over two years.

I heard a knock at my door and went to answer it. To my surprise, it was Ryan. Already. I answered hesitantly, because my eyes were still a little wet from my cry earlier.

"...Hi... Uhh... I'm here to say goodbye..."

I sputtered, "Already?" There was a telltale crack in my voice. It was only 10:30am. This couldn't be happening already. This wasn't supposed to happen for another few hours...

"Yeah... my grandfather decided instead to come get me at one instead of three..."

All I could manage was a weak "Oh..." We just stood there for a minute. And then... "Well, Jackie is here too if you want to say goodbye to her too..." He came in, and he said goodbye to Jackie. And then Jackie left the kitchen and it was just us two again. Ryan sighed. "Are you studying for physics? You have to take that today, right?"

I nodded. Then I said, "Actually, I haven't been able to concentrate on it. So I've been doing other random things. Reading scriptures. Cleaning a little. I think I went to Creamery, even."

"Hm. You wanna come help me pack?" I nodded. And then we went to his place. I helped him carry his desktop computer back to the place where he had borrowed it from. And then we went and I found his kitchen filthy. "Guck," he said. "I'm glad I'm leaving this for the other guys to clean up." It was ridiculously hot in there, so I opened the windows so that cool air would come in. I helped him finish off him chocolate milk. And then I cleaned some of his dishes while he packed some more. He found his iClicker, which he decided he needed to return at the Bookstore.

Ryan was gracious enough to let me follow him. We talked some, but mostly we just walked. We went and returned his iClicker, and he got about $25 for it. Of course, he had to deposit that in the bank. So we walked to his bank and he deposited it. And then... well, we did our usual exploring again. We walked around the Wilk this time. Then we decided it was imperative to find the Skyroom Restaurant. We found it... on the sixth floor. It was a very nice little restaurant. We looked at the menu... too expensive for our poor college student budgets. But I did notice a little sign saying that they were still hiring. I inquired into the job. I filled out a form for a job for spring term. And then we took the stairs to the fifth floor. We didn't see much interesting, but then we explored until we found a long corridor with no doors or lights or anything. But the walls were covered in paintings. We went down that and we found a flight of stairs. We went down that until we found a window with a beautiful view. Eventually we got down to the ground floor and then we headed home.

About this time I was starting to feel guilty about not studying physics when I was destined to fail it. Ryan turned toward his house, expecting me to follow, but I said quietly, "I think I have to study physics now. I can't fail." He looked at me. "Oh... okay then. I'll take you home." We walked to my stairs and then... then it really was goodbye. Ryan hugged me and held me close, and he wouldn't let go. "I'll be back real quick. It'll only be two years." I nodded and he hugged me harder. I didn't say anything, because I would have burst into tears.

He let me go after what I am sure was longer than fifteen seconds, and then he said goodbye. I managed to say a goodbye and then I turned away and climbed my stairs. And then I burst into tears. I looked up at the sky, holding back huge sobs that were in my throat. As I unlocked my door, I looked back to see Ryan looking back also. And then I went inside. And I just cried for a long time.

I ended up not failing my physics final. I may get a decent grade in that class. I came home after that, and rather than feeling relieved at finally being done... well, now I had nothing else to think about. I now had free time, but no best friend to spend it with. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.