So This is Stress.

It... has been an enormously long time since I wrote and email. And I keep putting off writing about my life, because there is soooo much that has happened... and I just don't know where to begin. And every day I wait, the worse it gets. In fact, I'm not sure I remember a lot of what's happened. I haven't actually written anything since looong before the rock, paper, scissors tournament that Ryan, Hillary, and I went to. I didn't even write about that. I just sent pictures.

Well... after the tournament a couple weeks ago... here's what happened. The tournament was over by about five. At about six, Jackie and I went to a passover dinner together, which was hosted by my Isaiah professor. We got home late-ish, and went to bed. Then, on Saturday, Ryan and Rachelle and I went to the temple in the morning to do baptisms. Later that day me and Jackie went to a dance concert, which was spectacular. On Sunday, we had our last Sunday school lesson and our last Relief Society lesson. I don't remember much else about Sunday except that I did get home taught, visit taught, and I did my visiting teaching that day. And then after I was done with visiting teaching that day, I remember coming directly to ward prayer. I showed up right as Ryan was coming down the stairs. I gave him a big hug, and then other people started showing up, and they all got big hugs too. I think I also accidentally sat on Will's hand, and Jackie thought he thought it was significant. I stayed away from Will after that. Then Hillary and Rachel and I were about to leave, but then Ryan and I started talking again (surprise surprise...).

And... he had bad news. He was leaving a whole day earlier than he had told me earlier. Tuesday instead of Wednesday. Gaah! Another day lost! I must have looked devastated or something, because he hugged me again. I didn't let go, and he didn't either until he decided it was too long. ("No longer than fifteen seconds! Longer than that and it's baaad!" ... I swear he counts. I swear. Or at least watches his watch over my shoulder...) Then we decided we had to do something really exciting before going our separate ways after finals. Seemed simple enough, but then... well, life turned into academic h***. Sad day.

Well, Monday after that was okay. But then things got progressively worse. I spent all of Monday attempting to get all sorts of homework and projects done for Tuesday, which was the last day of class. But after classes on Tuesday... it wasn't over. Me and Ryan had our choir concert to go perform in. We did that, and we felt relieved that classes were finally over... but, sad day, it was going to get worse. Wednesday was classless, but not at all workless. I studied and I studied and I studied. And I wasn't going as fast as I would like. Ryan showed up, and said he was going over to my angelic neighbors at 128 to make playdough and he wanted me to come with... but I felt that I had to decline or else fail biology. And about here is when I snapped a little. In a week Ryan would be gone. And I just didn't have the time to go do any silly stuff with him. It was the most frustrating thing I'd ever felt in my life. I was mad at school.

But I got over it just barely enough to sit and read another hundred pages of biology before I dozed off. I woke up early in the morning on Thursday. Looked outside and saw sunshine. And was drawn to it. It was too cold to go out and just sit without a sweater or something, so I took my quilt, my coat, and my biology book and camped out on the grass outside my kitchen window. And read. And read. Robert, my home teacher walked by... "Are you going to the baptism?" Oh. That. There were three Nepalese boys in my ward who were getting baptized this morning. I told Robert I wasn't, giving the excuse that I didn't even know the boys, but I felt another flare of frustration again. I couldn't have gone if I wanted to. I needed to finish reading this biology book about how evolution and religion don't necessarily disagree, and then write an essay about LDS doctrine, evolution, and the views of the Catholic author of this book... all this by 4pm. It was almost 10 am, and I was half-way through that book. And it was a slow read! It was chalked full of ridiculously science-y terminology, and I understood it, but I couldn't skim it. Gaah!

I sat on the grass and read as quickly as I could... a crowd of people in my ward walked by, and I did my best to ignore them so that I could get through this book... but ignoring the crowd was a useless endeavor, especially when one of the is Ryan and calling to you to look up and pay attention to him... "Jeeeeennnnnnnnaaaahh!!!" So I looked up and waved, had a two-minute conversation, and then he ran off to join to mob of people that was quickly disappearing.

After about an hour or so, I had read almost another hundred pages of science-y gunk that I probably would have enjoyed had it not been for that looming deadline jeering at me that I wasn't reading fast enough. It was a darn good thing I had decided to study outside, because it was chilly, and if I had tried to study inside I would have been doomed to have fallen asleep instantly. People started coming back home from the baptism. Lots of the boys stopped and talked to me, and most of the girls just waved. After I had determined to ignore the rest of the passersby, it wasn't long before I noticed two nicely-shoed feet on the grass in front of me. I looked up to see Clifton, my dearest little brother. He inquired as to what I was doing... I explained, and distressed about the evil deadline I had. He sympathized, then asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

I considered carefully within the next millisecond, and replied, "Food?" My stomach was growling angrily at me. Clifton raised his eyebrows. "You want food? Okay." And he disappeared. I didn't have much time to wonder if Clifton actually was going to bring me any food, because then Ryan showed up again, and started talking to me.

"Hey, can I study with you?" he finally asked. I blinked. I wondered if it was a good idea to say yes because I would probably be quite distracted. The speed of my reading would be dramatically reduced because I would be watching him in my peripheral vision instead of staring at the page of words. "Uhh... yeah..." Hm. That wasn't quite what I was trying to say. At all. He eyed me. "Are you sure you won't be distracted?" I looked back up at him. "Nope," I said, meaning that I wasn't at all sure. The stupid thing about questions like that is that a negative answer like that can be interpreted in two ways... no, I'm not sure, or no, I won't be distracted. Well, I think Ryan wasn't sure which I meant, so... "Hm. I know. We won't talk to each other. No words." I nodded. And then he set off to get his books. Oh dear. I am in a strange situation. I have so much I need to do, but I would so much rather be spending all this time with my friend who is going to be far, far away next week.

I spent the next ten minutes trying to stiffen my concentration. I was quite obviously failing in my own mind, judging by the increased occurrence of reading the same sentence over and over again. Ryan came back out, changed out of his suit and tie, and laden with a backpack full of books. He came over. And then he said, "I think I'll go study in the law library. I'm going to meet the other Adelaide missionaries at one and I'm paranoid I'll miss it."

I nodded. "Okay." I was both relieved and saddened by this news.

He started to leave, but then came back. "Hey... do you know how to make pie?"

I looked up again. Hm... "I've made a pie before, yes..."

"Well, I want to make a cherry pie for someone."

I don't know if I've figured out how to read this boy's mind or I just know the way his brain works, but I knew instantly who he was talking about. I mean, Cherish's name sounds a lot like cherry pie. Who else could it be for? "Cherish?" I asked.

He blinked, looking a little shocked. "Yeah... I want to make a cherry pie. For Cherish. Cherreesh."

"Let's make cherry pie, then. On Sunday. After church." He nodded, and the plans were made. He left, and then Clifton came bearing a large, carefully prepared meal. I gave him the biggest, most grateful hug I could manage, and then I read some more, chomping down on that food. After about another hour, I had finished the book, and I came inside and whipped up an essay in twenty minutes. I was so tired of it, that I just sent it away without proofreading. Maybe this is bad, but I'm rather confident in my writing skills... enough that I expect that my first draft is good enough. [It was good enough, it earned me a perfect score... I can't complain, I guess...]

Then I got out some other things and started studying for my Book of Mormon final... study study study.

The next morning, I woke up early. I put on my Sunday clothes, and then Ryan, Rachelle, Liz, and I went to the temple again and did baptisms for a bit. Then... instead of coming straight home, we went and got Krispy Kreme donuts. Half were glazed, and half were the chocolate sprinkle kinds. Ooh, the blessed dozen. Rachelle received them from the drive-through window... and then passed them back to Ryan. It was Rachelle's car, so she requested that we not eat them until we got home. The box... was sooo tempting.

We kept talking about donuts. "Let's stop talking about them! I won't be able to resist them any longer!" So we stopped talking about them. But then gave me a sly look. And started opening the box. I gaped. "No!" I whispered.

He nodded. The sight of those artery-clogging goodnesses would surely break me. So, desperate to keep myself in control, I covered my eyes. "No, no! I won't look!"

Ryan started teasing me now. "Oh Jenna, just one look won't kill you!" I could tell the box was open now. But not because I could see it. It was the aroma. I was getting fatter just smelling it.

And I wasn't alone. Liz and Rachelle gasped. I kept muttering "No, no, no... I won't... I won't..." Finally, Rachelle rolled down her windows. And Liz and Rachelle stuck their heads out, gasping for air.

"Ryan, clooossseee it! Close it, quick!" "No, no, no, I won't look, I won't look, close the box, Ryan, close the box!"

I think he really enjoyed that brief moment of power he had. He closed it, after what sounded like a malicious giggle, which reminded me of my dad when he plays a nasty trick on someone. I opened my eyes. Rachelle and Liz were wafting the remains of the delicious aroma out the windows. We scolded Ryan. "Don't ever do that again!" He didn't, but I could tell he was toying with the idea.

We finally got home. But it was too early for Ryan to come into our apartments... so... donut party in the lobby! We sat and talked and ate donuts and drank milk for an hour. And then Liz and Rachelle went inside their apartment, and then me and Ryan came to mine. With that, we studied Book of Mormon for an hour together, and then we headed down to the Wilk to take the final. I got a 96% on it, and then I sat down on a cushy couch and studied Isaiah for several hours. Then I took that final. By this time, it was about five. I got dinner, and then I studied calculus for about an hour and a half. Then I went and took that final. By the time I was done, I'd been studying and testing for twelve straight hours. It... was horrendous.

To tell the truth, what was motivating me this whole time was the thought that maybe, just maybe, if I got all my finals done today and tomorrow, I'd be able to spend time with my best friend before he left and not feel guilty that I wasn't studying. So I came home, emailed Ryan, showered, and went to bed.

In the morning, I woke up and pulled out my biology almost immediately. I studied for about an hour. I was determined to take biology and then physics today. But then Cute Mike came up the stairs. Cute Mike is in my biology class. I declared my intentions to take the final today, on Saturday! But Mike gave me a bewildered look. I thought the final was scheduled for 7pm on Tuesday! I blinked. And it all came crashing in on me. Cute Mike was right. I couldn't get all my finals done before Ryan even left. Tuesday was when Ryan would be leaving. And I would be taking a final.

Blast it all. Cute Mike left. And I sat in the lobby, stunned. My plan. It failed. No! And at about this point... I lost all motivation to study. The motivation worked when I thought the plan was feasible. But now that it was foiled, I saw little purpose in studying or taking any finals today. Gaah! I finished the power point review slides, and then I stopped studying. And then I determined that I wasn't going to do any more school stuff until Tuesday anyway. That gave me Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday. Three whole days.

I still felt a little sick though. If it could have worked, my original plan would have been so much better. In fact, I think that Ryan was trying to do the same thing... I mean, no one ever takes three finals in one day. I did. And apparently (according to his email) so did Ryan. And he had been planning to take his other finals today, just like I had. Gaah. I think I sat and cried a little. After the tears stopped coming, I went home, and cleaned. And cleaned... the way I do when I'm really stressed.

And after that... I wasn't sure what to do. So... I paced. And paced. And paced. Until there was a knock at the door.

It was Ryan... I let him in. "Hey, there's a basketball game in the court outside... Wanna go to 128 and ask to watch it out their window?" Hm. 128 has a perfect view of the court. But... I didn't have any interest in the game at all. Gaah.

I wanted to spend time with Ryan, but at this point I was too stressed to feign an interest in his proposed activity tonight, which made me feel absolutely hopeless. I sighed. "Ryan... I don't really want to watch basketball right now. So, if you really want, you can go over to 128 by yourself and watch it with those girls."

He stared at me. "But I don't want to watch the game."

I gave him my most confused look. "... But it was your idea..."

"Uhh... I just thought it would be fun to show up at their door and say, 'Hey. We're here to watch the game.' And I thought Jenna would want to go do something silly like that. And I wanted to go do something silly with Jenna."

I laughed. "Yeah, I would enjoy that. But then we'd have to go in and watch the game!"

He reconsidered. "Oh. Yeah. You're right. Hm. Well, me and 128 made playdough the other night. Let's go get it and play with it." So we knocked on their door, inquired after the playdough, took it, and returned to my apartment. (Gaah... I wrote our apartment... Ryan doesn't live here... he jokes like he does, but he doesn't!) And then we played with playdough for hours and hours. And then we returned the playdough, and Ryan went home.