Life Would Be So Much Better Without Goodbyes.

The next day was Monday... I had resolved not to do anything too academic all day. I cleaned, and then... Hillary left. I bawled. And bawled. I'm not going to see Hillary for four whole months! Gaah! I had a nap. And then I woke up to a knock. Ryan was over again. We went and got the playdough again, and then we came to my place and played with it on my table again. We made fun little critters. And Ryan talked and talked and talked. I told him about what happened with his dirt after he had left last night, and thankfully he wasn't upset with me. He was rather upset with Rachelle though... "You can't tell her that I told you that she told! I'll never be allowed to participate in girl talk again!" He laughed. And then he promised.

The next day was Tuesday. The day for biology. But then I couldn't wait all the way until 7pm. Instead I studied all morning and then went to my professor's office to take it earlier. I felt pretty good about it, and then I went home. I tried to study physics. But I felt dead. The more I tried to study, the more I would remember that Ryan was leaving. His original plan was to leave tonight, but he had bartered with his grandfather for tomorrow instead. So that was another day. But still. The very thought haunted me.

I helped Rachel move out... after that I was even sadder. Eventually Ryan signed into chat, where I talked to him as I tried to force myself to study. His last final had taken him four and a half hours, and he had just finished it. He wanted to know how my biology test went. I told him. He remembered that I also had physics to take, and he inquired if I was studying. No, I wasn't. I couldn't. I mused that I might start packing. He wanted to know if he could help. I figured out that he wanted to come over but was paranoid that I'd be busy.

And so I thought about it. He was leaving tomorrow. I don't need to study just yet. I don't need to pack just yet either. And I was stressed. And what we usually did when I just about going crazy with stress... was go on a long walk and explore all over campus. And find hidden things. So...

I told him that I had decided that I didn't feel like studying, or packing, or cleaning, or anything like that, and that I had decided to go on a walk, and that he could come with me if he wanted to. He wanted to.

So... I came down my stairs to see Ryan dashing through the bushes like Tarzan. I smiled. He was trying to make me laugh, I think. And if it had been a normal day I would have... He's usually very good at it, but my thoughts right now were weighed down with finals and the incessant reminder that he'd be gone in less than twenty-four hours.

Alerted by my failure to laugh at his strange behavior, he must have realized right then I was feeling really horrible. Usually when I was having a hard time, he'd make me laugh and everything would be better. I smiled weakly at him when he finally got out of the bushes, and he gave me a huge hug. And then we started walking, without a particular destination. We weren't walking long when Cute Mike showed up. He was heading off to that biology test. We escorted him to the MARB where our biology classroom was. And then me and Ryan started exploring, like we liked to do. We looped around as we were walking and eventually wound up on the balcony of the JFSB. And we sat and talked for a while. Dallin had left earlier that day. I frowned at that, and Ryan saw. "Don't worry," he said. "You'll see him again... he's living with me when we come back to BYU, so you'll see him all the time!" I laughed.

Then I took him down from the very top of the JFSB into its very depths... into the parking garages. He was fascinated. "Oooh! Next time I play laser tag, I'll do it here!" Then I showed him a few of the secret passageways I knew about from when I used to work as a custodian there. I even showed him the preschool. Once out of the JFSB, we moved on and went down the Stairs of Death... and found a bench and sat on it for a while. Then we climbed up the Stairs of Death again, and then decided to try and get to the top floor of the SWKT. Ryan considered for a moment if it was wise, since that's where all the crazy "psych people are"... Unfortunately, the elevator ignored all our pleas for it to take us all the way up to the twelfth floor. But, it did oblige when we asked for the eleventh. Unfortunately again, once we were up there, all the offices and such were locked and we couldn't see any windows. What good was being so high up if you couldn't look out the windows? So we descended to the tenth floor. This time, success. We found a window, and looked out of it for a while ("Ah, a perfect stalking spot!" he said. I laughed). We also found the neuroscience center. Well, that was good enough. We went down to ground level and then came out.

I suddenly realized that I wanted some ice cream. I told Ryan so, and thus we set off for the creamery. We got there and stood in line for a while. Ryan got cookie dough ice cream... I got rocky road. Again, the cashier assumed Ryan was paying for me. We protested and I paid for mine. Then we headed back to my house, and played with 128's playdough again.

I remembered that I had written him a letter, so I brought that out. I hadn't expected him to open it right then and read it there, but he did. After that we played with the playdough again for a while. We got tired of that, and we fell into silence for a while. I started playing piano for a bit. Then Ryan spoke up. "Jenna, let's make plans for after my mission."

I looked over at him. He continued. "I don't really care if we do them or not, I just want to make them so that I have something to look forward to..." I nodded.

Well, the obvious ones came out... we of course have to go exploring campus some more. And there's sure to be a new building. I'll show that one to you. And we could hike the Y. We never did that.

I quipped, "We should make another pie." He smiled. "I was going to say that."

I continued, "Yeah... I've decided I want to learn how to make really good pies. And so I'll practice when you're gone. Maybe one pie a month. That's... about thirty pies, I think. And then you'll be back and we can make a truly amazing cherry pie for Cherish."

He was listening, but I could tell he was calculating pies in his head. He looked at me after a few seconds. "Thirty pies. That was a pretty good guess. It's exactly thirty pies if you count the one we made on Sunday, and the one we'll make when I get back." Then he got a little intense. "Jenna, you have to make those pies! Let's make a pie chart! Do you have a ruler?"

I did. I went and found it, and brought it out. He took a piece of paper from the printer that Alex had given Jackie (he wasn't going to use it for the next two years, so what a better idea than to give it to Jackie?) and started making the chart. I sat next to him and watched. I wasn't so much watching the chart being born as I was watching how Ryan was making it. He was ever so careful, and he was concentrating. I could tell he was concentrating because his nose was moving forward and back.

"Did you know your nose wiggles when you're concentrating?" I asked.

He glanced at me. "Uhh... it's not because I'm concentrating, I don't think." But now that I had point out his nose-wiggling, it was moving left and right instead of forward and back, because now he was thinking about it. I haven't figured out what left and right nose wiggling means, but I'm fairly certain forward and back only happens when he's concentrating on something and not at all thinking out wiggling his nose. I smiled and laughed quietly.

He finished the pie chart, a square for each of the thirty months. "Alright, for every month, you have to make a pie. Even if it's a mud pie or a pie tin full of whipped cream. Make a pie and then draw it in the square for that month." We had two minutes before Ryan had to leave. "Can you draw our cherry pie in two minutes?"

"I don't know. I think so." I pulled out my markers. Unfortunately, it took a while to find the right colors. I drew and colored the pie hurriedly, and then when eleven o clock came, Ryan hugged me and dashed out the door so that he didn't break the Honor Code. I started cleaning up the mess I had left, and discovered under the pile of markers the letter I had written him. I sighed. I emailed him that I was holding it ransom, and thus he had to come say goodbye before he left and retrieve it. Then I went to bed.

I woke up in the morning... and I was not sure what to think about. I had to take the physics final today. I had to. Today was the last day of finals. I pulled out my physics booklet of chapter summaries and tried to concentrate on it. But then I kept remembering that my best friend was leaving today, and then my eyes would tear up and make it impossible to read. I eventually gave up. I ate some food. And then I tried to pack maybe. Gaah. Can't do that either. I finally pulled out my scriptures and read for a while, not knowing what else I could do. Ryan would be cleaning and packing right about now. He was supposed to leave around 3... and then wouldn't see him for over two years.

I heard a knock at my door and went to answer it. To my surprise, it was Ryan. Already. I answered hesitantly, because my eyes were still a little wet from my cry earlier.

"...Hi... Uhh... I'm here to say goodbye..."

I sputtered, "Already?" There was a telltale crack in my voice. It was only 10:30am. This couldn't be happening already. This wasn't supposed to happen for another few hours...

"Yeah... my grandfather decided instead to come get me at one instead of three..."

All I could manage was a weak "Oh..." We just stood there for a minute. And then... "Well, Jackie is here too if you want to say goodbye to her too..." He came in, and he said goodbye to Jackie. And then Jackie left the kitchen and it was just us two again. Ryan sighed. "Are you studying for physics? You have to take that today, right?"

I nodded. Then I said, "Actually, I haven't been able to concentrate on it. So I've been doing other random things. Reading scriptures. Cleaning a little. I think I went to Creamery, even."

"Hm. You wanna come help me pack?" I nodded. And then we went to his place. I helped him carry his desktop computer back to the place where he had borrowed it from. And then we went and I found his kitchen filthy. "Guck," he said. "I'm glad I'm leaving this for the other guys to clean up." It was ridiculously hot in there, so I opened the windows so that cool air would come in. I helped him finish off him chocolate milk. And then I cleaned some of his dishes while he packed some more. He found his iClicker, which he decided he needed to return at the Bookstore.

Ryan was gracious enough to let me follow him. We talked some, but mostly we just walked. We went and returned his iClicker, and he got about $25 for it. Of course, he had to deposit that in the bank. So we walked to his bank and he deposited it. And then... well, we did our usual exploring again. We walked around the Wilk this time. Then we decided it was imperative to find the Skyroom Restaurant. We found it... on the sixth floor. It was a very nice little restaurant. We looked at the menu... too expensive for our poor college student budgets. But I did notice a little sign saying that they were still hiring. I inquired into the job. I filled out a form for a job for spring term. And then we took the stairs to the fifth floor. We didn't see much interesting, but then we explored until we found a long corridor with no doors or lights or anything. But the walls were covered in paintings. We went down that and we found a flight of stairs. We went down that until we found a window with a beautiful view. Eventually we got down to the ground floor and then we headed home.

About this time I was starting to feel guilty about not studying physics when I was destined to fail it. Ryan turned toward his house, expecting me to follow, but I said quietly, "I think I have to study physics now. I can't fail." He looked at me. "Oh... okay then. I'll take you home." We walked to my stairs and then... then it really was goodbye. Ryan hugged me and held me close, and he wouldn't let go. "I'll be back real quick. It'll only be two years." I nodded and he hugged me harder. I didn't say anything, because I would have burst into tears.

He let me go after what I am sure was longer than fifteen seconds, and then he said goodbye. I managed to say a goodbye and then I turned away and climbed my stairs. And then I burst into tears. I looked up at the sky, holding back huge sobs that were in my throat. As I unlocked my door, I looked back to see Ryan looking back also. And then I went inside. And I just cried for a long time.

I ended up not failing my physics final. I may get a decent grade in that class. I came home after that, and rather than feeling relieved at finally being done... well, now I had nothing else to think about. I now had free time, but no best friend to spend it with. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

So This is Stress.

It... has been an enormously long time since I wrote and email. And I keep putting off writing about my life, because there is soooo much that has happened... and I just don't know where to begin. And every day I wait, the worse it gets. In fact, I'm not sure I remember a lot of what's happened. I haven't actually written anything since looong before the rock, paper, scissors tournament that Ryan, Hillary, and I went to. I didn't even write about that. I just sent pictures.

Well... after the tournament a couple weeks ago... here's what happened. The tournament was over by about five. At about six, Jackie and I went to a passover dinner together, which was hosted by my Isaiah professor. We got home late-ish, and went to bed. Then, on Saturday, Ryan and Rachelle and I went to the temple in the morning to do baptisms. Later that day me and Jackie went to a dance concert, which was spectacular. On Sunday, we had our last Sunday school lesson and our last Relief Society lesson. I don't remember much else about Sunday except that I did get home taught, visit taught, and I did my visiting teaching that day. And then after I was done with visiting teaching that day, I remember coming directly to ward prayer. I showed up right as Ryan was coming down the stairs. I gave him a big hug, and then other people started showing up, and they all got big hugs too. I think I also accidentally sat on Will's hand, and Jackie thought he thought it was significant. I stayed away from Will after that. Then Hillary and Rachel and I were about to leave, but then Ryan and I started talking again (surprise surprise...).

And... he had bad news. He was leaving a whole day earlier than he had told me earlier. Tuesday instead of Wednesday. Gaah! Another day lost! I must have looked devastated or something, because he hugged me again. I didn't let go, and he didn't either until he decided it was too long. ("No longer than fifteen seconds! Longer than that and it's baaad!" ... I swear he counts. I swear. Or at least watches his watch over my shoulder...) Then we decided we had to do something really exciting before going our separate ways after finals. Seemed simple enough, but then... well, life turned into academic h***. Sad day.

Well, Monday after that was okay. But then things got progressively worse. I spent all of Monday attempting to get all sorts of homework and projects done for Tuesday, which was the last day of class. But after classes on Tuesday... it wasn't over. Me and Ryan had our choir concert to go perform in. We did that, and we felt relieved that classes were finally over... but, sad day, it was going to get worse. Wednesday was classless, but not at all workless. I studied and I studied and I studied. And I wasn't going as fast as I would like. Ryan showed up, and said he was going over to my angelic neighbors at 128 to make playdough and he wanted me to come with... but I felt that I had to decline or else fail biology. And about here is when I snapped a little. In a week Ryan would be gone. And I just didn't have the time to go do any silly stuff with him. It was the most frustrating thing I'd ever felt in my life. I was mad at school.

But I got over it just barely enough to sit and read another hundred pages of biology before I dozed off. I woke up early in the morning on Thursday. Looked outside and saw sunshine. And was drawn to it. It was too cold to go out and just sit without a sweater or something, so I took my quilt, my coat, and my biology book and camped out on the grass outside my kitchen window. And read. And read. Robert, my home teacher walked by... "Are you going to the baptism?" Oh. That. There were three Nepalese boys in my ward who were getting baptized this morning. I told Robert I wasn't, giving the excuse that I didn't even know the boys, but I felt another flare of frustration again. I couldn't have gone if I wanted to. I needed to finish reading this biology book about how evolution and religion don't necessarily disagree, and then write an essay about LDS doctrine, evolution, and the views of the Catholic author of this book... all this by 4pm. It was almost 10 am, and I was half-way through that book. And it was a slow read! It was chalked full of ridiculously science-y terminology, and I understood it, but I couldn't skim it. Gaah!

I sat on the grass and read as quickly as I could... a crowd of people in my ward walked by, and I did my best to ignore them so that I could get through this book... but ignoring the crowd was a useless endeavor, especially when one of the is Ryan and calling to you to look up and pay attention to him... "Jeeeeennnnnnnnaaaahh!!!" So I looked up and waved, had a two-minute conversation, and then he ran off to join to mob of people that was quickly disappearing.

After about an hour or so, I had read almost another hundred pages of science-y gunk that I probably would have enjoyed had it not been for that looming deadline jeering at me that I wasn't reading fast enough. It was a darn good thing I had decided to study outside, because it was chilly, and if I had tried to study inside I would have been doomed to have fallen asleep instantly. People started coming back home from the baptism. Lots of the boys stopped and talked to me, and most of the girls just waved. After I had determined to ignore the rest of the passersby, it wasn't long before I noticed two nicely-shoed feet on the grass in front of me. I looked up to see Clifton, my dearest little brother. He inquired as to what I was doing... I explained, and distressed about the evil deadline I had. He sympathized, then asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

I considered carefully within the next millisecond, and replied, "Food?" My stomach was growling angrily at me. Clifton raised his eyebrows. "You want food? Okay." And he disappeared. I didn't have much time to wonder if Clifton actually was going to bring me any food, because then Ryan showed up again, and started talking to me.

"Hey, can I study with you?" he finally asked. I blinked. I wondered if it was a good idea to say yes because I would probably be quite distracted. The speed of my reading would be dramatically reduced because I would be watching him in my peripheral vision instead of staring at the page of words. "Uhh... yeah..." Hm. That wasn't quite what I was trying to say. At all. He eyed me. "Are you sure you won't be distracted?" I looked back up at him. "Nope," I said, meaning that I wasn't at all sure. The stupid thing about questions like that is that a negative answer like that can be interpreted in two ways... no, I'm not sure, or no, I won't be distracted. Well, I think Ryan wasn't sure which I meant, so... "Hm. I know. We won't talk to each other. No words." I nodded. And then he set off to get his books. Oh dear. I am in a strange situation. I have so much I need to do, but I would so much rather be spending all this time with my friend who is going to be far, far away next week.

I spent the next ten minutes trying to stiffen my concentration. I was quite obviously failing in my own mind, judging by the increased occurrence of reading the same sentence over and over again. Ryan came back out, changed out of his suit and tie, and laden with a backpack full of books. He came over. And then he said, "I think I'll go study in the law library. I'm going to meet the other Adelaide missionaries at one and I'm paranoid I'll miss it."

I nodded. "Okay." I was both relieved and saddened by this news.

He started to leave, but then came back. "Hey... do you know how to make pie?"

I looked up again. Hm... "I've made a pie before, yes..."

"Well, I want to make a cherry pie for someone."

I don't know if I've figured out how to read this boy's mind or I just know the way his brain works, but I knew instantly who he was talking about. I mean, Cherish's name sounds a lot like cherry pie. Who else could it be for? "Cherish?" I asked.

He blinked, looking a little shocked. "Yeah... I want to make a cherry pie. For Cherish. Cherreesh."

"Let's make cherry pie, then. On Sunday. After church." He nodded, and the plans were made. He left, and then Clifton came bearing a large, carefully prepared meal. I gave him the biggest, most grateful hug I could manage, and then I read some more, chomping down on that food. After about another hour, I had finished the book, and I came inside and whipped up an essay in twenty minutes. I was so tired of it, that I just sent it away without proofreading. Maybe this is bad, but I'm rather confident in my writing skills... enough that I expect that my first draft is good enough. [It was good enough, it earned me a perfect score... I can't complain, I guess...]

Then I got out some other things and started studying for my Book of Mormon final... study study study.

The next morning, I woke up early. I put on my Sunday clothes, and then Ryan, Rachelle, Liz, and I went to the temple again and did baptisms for a bit. Then... instead of coming straight home, we went and got Krispy Kreme donuts. Half were glazed, and half were the chocolate sprinkle kinds. Ooh, the blessed dozen. Rachelle received them from the drive-through window... and then passed them back to Ryan. It was Rachelle's car, so she requested that we not eat them until we got home. The box... was sooo tempting.

We kept talking about donuts. "Let's stop talking about them! I won't be able to resist them any longer!" So we stopped talking about them. But then gave me a sly look. And started opening the box. I gaped. "No!" I whispered.

He nodded. The sight of those artery-clogging goodnesses would surely break me. So, desperate to keep myself in control, I covered my eyes. "No, no! I won't look!"

Ryan started teasing me now. "Oh Jenna, just one look won't kill you!" I could tell the box was open now. But not because I could see it. It was the aroma. I was getting fatter just smelling it.

And I wasn't alone. Liz and Rachelle gasped. I kept muttering "No, no, no... I won't... I won't..." Finally, Rachelle rolled down her windows. And Liz and Rachelle stuck their heads out, gasping for air.

"Ryan, clooossseee it! Close it, quick!" "No, no, no, I won't look, I won't look, close the box, Ryan, close the box!"

I think he really enjoyed that brief moment of power he had. He closed it, after what sounded like a malicious giggle, which reminded me of my dad when he plays a nasty trick on someone. I opened my eyes. Rachelle and Liz were wafting the remains of the delicious aroma out the windows. We scolded Ryan. "Don't ever do that again!" He didn't, but I could tell he was toying with the idea.

We finally got home. But it was too early for Ryan to come into our apartments... so... donut party in the lobby! We sat and talked and ate donuts and drank milk for an hour. And then Liz and Rachelle went inside their apartment, and then me and Ryan came to mine. With that, we studied Book of Mormon for an hour together, and then we headed down to the Wilk to take the final. I got a 96% on it, and then I sat down on a cushy couch and studied Isaiah for several hours. Then I took that final. By this time, it was about five. I got dinner, and then I studied calculus for about an hour and a half. Then I went and took that final. By the time I was done, I'd been studying and testing for twelve straight hours. It... was horrendous.

To tell the truth, what was motivating me this whole time was the thought that maybe, just maybe, if I got all my finals done today and tomorrow, I'd be able to spend time with my best friend before he left and not feel guilty that I wasn't studying. So I came home, emailed Ryan, showered, and went to bed.

In the morning, I woke up and pulled out my biology almost immediately. I studied for about an hour. I was determined to take biology and then physics today. But then Cute Mike came up the stairs. Cute Mike is in my biology class. I declared my intentions to take the final today, on Saturday! But Mike gave me a bewildered look. I thought the final was scheduled for 7pm on Tuesday! I blinked. And it all came crashing in on me. Cute Mike was right. I couldn't get all my finals done before Ryan even left. Tuesday was when Ryan would be leaving. And I would be taking a final.

Blast it all. Cute Mike left. And I sat in the lobby, stunned. My plan. It failed. No! And at about this point... I lost all motivation to study. The motivation worked when I thought the plan was feasible. But now that it was foiled, I saw little purpose in studying or taking any finals today. Gaah! I finished the power point review slides, and then I stopped studying. And then I determined that I wasn't going to do any more school stuff until Tuesday anyway. That gave me Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday. Three whole days.

I still felt a little sick though. If it could have worked, my original plan would have been so much better. In fact, I think that Ryan was trying to do the same thing... I mean, no one ever takes three finals in one day. I did. And apparently (according to his email) so did Ryan. And he had been planning to take his other finals today, just like I had. Gaah. I think I sat and cried a little. After the tears stopped coming, I went home, and cleaned. And cleaned... the way I do when I'm really stressed.

And after that... I wasn't sure what to do. So... I paced. And paced. And paced. Until there was a knock at the door.

It was Ryan... I let him in. "Hey, there's a basketball game in the court outside... Wanna go to 128 and ask to watch it out their window?" Hm. 128 has a perfect view of the court. But... I didn't have any interest in the game at all. Gaah.

I wanted to spend time with Ryan, but at this point I was too stressed to feign an interest in his proposed activity tonight, which made me feel absolutely hopeless. I sighed. "Ryan... I don't really want to watch basketball right now. So, if you really want, you can go over to 128 by yourself and watch it with those girls."

He stared at me. "But I don't want to watch the game."

I gave him my most confused look. "... But it was your idea..."

"Uhh... I just thought it would be fun to show up at their door and say, 'Hey. We're here to watch the game.' And I thought Jenna would want to go do something silly like that. And I wanted to go do something silly with Jenna."

I laughed. "Yeah, I would enjoy that. But then we'd have to go in and watch the game!"

He reconsidered. "Oh. Yeah. You're right. Hm. Well, me and 128 made playdough the other night. Let's go get it and play with it." So we knocked on their door, inquired after the playdough, took it, and returned to my apartment. (Gaah... I wrote our apartment... Ryan doesn't live here... he jokes like he does, but he doesn't!) And then we played with playdough for hours and hours. And then we returned the playdough, and Ryan went home.