In Which I Am Jobless, My Brain Turns to Mush, and I End Up Not Owing My Roommates M&Ms...

Yesterday has to be one of the most spectacularly strange days I've had in awhile. I survived. This 'un is a tad long, but then, yesterday was long. So... I feel justified.

I woke up, and it was dark outside. The clouds had parted enough that the moonlight was shining through my window. My alarm hadn't gone off, so I figured it was before 3:30 am... I tried to look at my watch, but all I could see in the near pitch blackness was the minute hand, which lay squarely on the 11th hour... ?:55. Okay. I figured it was 2:55 am. I reached for my phone to make sure.

I flipped it open. My brain fell through down to my knees and I felt sick immediately.

5:55 am.

I am so late for work. With a rush of adrenaline, I got out of bed, walked out of my bedroom... and I made it to the kitchen couch, at which point I just sat back down. I was out of energy already.

In fact, I felt numb all over. Late for work? How can this be? I promised myself I wouldn't miss anymore work this month. I started reviewing the last month in my head. The first week of the month consisted mostly of going to bed on time, and then staring at the ceiling, not able to sleep in the slightest... and then, just when I would start to drift off to sleep, I would jerk awake from the sound of my alarm clock cheerily informing me it was time to go to week. At this point, there was no way I was going to work. I would then call in, and then gather a few hours of sleep before class would start. The second week was different... I could sleep, but I was miserably sick. The third week... I went to work for the first half, and then the plague of the first week came back. I was up all night, thinking... and then I would get enormously frustrated that I couldn't sleep when I so obviously was exhausted...

I promised myself I wouldn't miss work again this month no matter what.

And here I am. Missing work. Again. Sitting on the couch. Numb. Staring into space.

I need to quit... No, no... I can't do that... You've flipped your lid. You're trying to spin too many plates, and this one just dropped and shattered.

That little voice in my head was right. I need to quit.

At that thought, limp tears started streaming down my face. Why am I so upset? My mind was active, even if I was as physically active as a vegetable... Quitting something has always felt like failing something to me. For me, it was a matter of pride... at all costs, I avoid admitting that I can't do everything to the point where I actually believe I can do everything and not go crazy. And by the time I realize I can't do it all, and I do go crazy, it's obvious to me that I can't actually quit any of it anymore.

But... I can quit work.

No, I can't. I need the money.

You need to think this through. How much do I have? How much do I need, and when? I've got enough to last me through the rest of winter semester, all of spring, and most of next fall. I'll need to take up work some more in the spring and the summer. But... the point is, I can afford to be jobless for the remainder of this semester... which I need to do.

I need to do this, and I can afford to.

My resolve stiffened, I look over at the clock, and I blink... back in reality, I see that it's 6:40... Wow... did I really spend all that time just sitting on the couch, thinking? Slightly energized with my decision, but still teary-eyed and wet-faced, I get up, gather my things, and head out the door. I nearly forget the bagels.

It is a tradition at our weekly training meetings to have a breakfast potluck... and every time I was assigned to bring something, I would take it to work, even if I had called in sick. It would be awful to go down to talk to my boss and forget bagels after all that...

I gloomily walk down to the JFSB, books and bagels in hand. I walk in the back way... go down the elevator, and find the custodial office. My boss isn't there. The other crew's boss tries to call him on the radio, but he left his radio in the office.

I leave the bag of bagels on top of the pile of food in the office for the breakfast potluck my co-workers were about to have... then I went to hunt down Glen, my boss.

I finally found him in the Anthropology Lab. "Hi, Glen."

"Hey, you found me! ... You didn't call in at all..."

"No... I... I just woke up, and I need to talk to you so..."

He looked at me, and the tears that had been stuck on my eyelids finally started falling down my face. Why was I so ashamed?

"Jennifer, do you need to quit?"

"I... Yes. Yes, I need to quit." I explained to him what had been going on lately with my life, and with that, my eyes started making tears faster than they could get rid of them. I was pretty much blinded.

Oh, this was so embarrassing. One of the things I've always hated that I've never succeeded in changing is not being able to hold back tears when I feel like crying. A skill like that would be mighty useful at this point.

"Jennifer, it's okay..." And with that he proceeded to explain that I needn't be embarrassed or ashamed for needing to quit. Then he said something that surprised me. "We'll go ahead and make today your last day."

I blinked. The policy was that if I ever were to quit, I had to give a two-weeks notice. But he just said...

"Well, you've been one of the best workers we've ever had. You're dedicated... I mean, you even bring the food you said you'd bring to the potluck even when you're sick!"

I was starting to go numb again.

"Okay, Jennifer, I'll go terminate your paperwork right now... And if you ever can and want to come back, I'll definitely let you come back. I'd hire you again immediately. And you can still come to our potlucks on Friday! Okay?"

I nodded, and then we said goodbye and I left.

And I felt numb again.

But the day wasn't over at all. I hadn't even gotten through half of my homework last night. I plunged through my calculus homework in the math department computer lab and then...

Frozen.

No. No. I JUST FINISHED IT!

When I brought the program back up... I had lost all my algorithms. No... no... I don't have TIME for this. I just don't! I did it again, and then printed it off. And then I got out my physics.

I looked through the homework.

And then I looked through it again.

What? This... can't be happening to me! I don't understand any of this! I can't handle this right now... I haven't had time to look at it yet. I don't have time to do it now.

But I plunged on... except slower than a snail would do it. Much slower. In fact, I don't think I was making any progress at all.

The bell rang.

I closed my eyes and said a little prayer. Then I got up and went to calculus. I made an executive decision to take notes instead of sleeping or continuing through the physics homework. And then after class was over, I headed for the MARB, so I could work on the physics some more.

But then... Eat, Jenna. You haven't eaten yet this morning and it's almost 10am. You need to eat. So... instead, I turned around, and steered straight for the Cougareat. I grabbed food and then I went to the MARB. I ate it. Then I looked at the clock. 10:30. I've got half and hour until physics class starts.

I began to despair. I pulled out the physics again, read through the problems. I didn't even know where to start.

Jenna! Look at your syllabus!

...The syllabus isn't going to help me with this.

Look at your syllabus.

So I pulled it out. My eyes jumped to the section titled, Homework. I read it, despairing.

And then...

A ray of hope. "After the due date, homework is late and worth 1/4 of the points. Three late assignments will be forgiven and counted as on time." I blinked and looked down at the quantity of assignments due today... three assignments. Exactly. I just hadn't had time. And... it was alright. Everything was going to be okay. I decided to try and finish just one of the assignments before 1pm, which was when the homework was due.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do so. I ended getting half way done, but I didn't get through it all... But it was okay. I just needed to turn everything else in on time for the remainder of the semester. And everything would be fine...

After physics, I ran to choir. After that, I ran to biology.

And... biology let out early. So I headed down to the physics lab.

And thankfully... the physics lab was ridiculously easy. I just had to set up a network of resistors with an equivalent resistance equal to the last four digits of my BYUID number. It literally took me five minutes. I ran home. Took the hyperquiz for biology... and then... a sigh of relief.

I... I can relax.

I just sat on my bed for a bit. Then I got up and cleaned the kitchen. Then I found Hillary in her room. She was playing the Sims, and had created a Sim family for me. She informed me that the Sim Jenna (named Code Blue Pheonix... yes, Pheonix, not Phoenix) was pregnant. I watched her manipulate Code Blue and her family until the Sim child was born... and then grown into a child. Then we watched Return of the Cat.

In the middle of the movie, Rochelle, who was sitting at my computer and using it, yelled, "Jenna! Ryan's talking to you! He says, 'You quit your job?'" I get up.

"Yeah, I did quit my job..."

Rochelle laughed evilly, and then imitated my voice. "Yes, my love, I did! I quit so I could spend more time with you!"

I rolled my eyes, and Ashley laughed. "Ahaha! Ro, I would pay you to type that!"

Thankfully, I got to my computer in time to prevent such a happening. I told Ryan I was busy, and signed out of chat so that Ro wouldn't do anything mean, and then I went and finished watching the movie. After that, I played the piano.

Knock knock knock...

I take off the headphones from the keyboard and look at the clock. 7:20...

Oh yeah, I have a date! Hillary gets the door, and it's Ryan. "Are you ready to go?"

"Uhh... yes." I grab my coat and we go. We talk all the way over to the HFAC, mostly about why I decided to quit my job. I realize suddenly just how ridiculously stressed I am. And suddenly I was so thankful I was on a date doing something instead of just aimlessly wandering about my apartment like I do when I'm stressed.

We walk into the recital hall and to our shock and amazement... it is jam packed. This was just a little opera performance! I look around for seats... "Hey, let's sit in our spot!" We have a spot? I look up to the top of the hall, where Ryan was looking, to a little corner in the back, where we last time we came to a music performance. Two seats... empty.

We squeeze our way over to them. I glance Hillary and Rachel coming in after us... I guess they had decided to spy on us tonight. Silly roommates.

And then it started.

So... confession time. During the middle of the opera, I looked over at Ryan... and then at his hands. And I thought, I want to hold his hand... I'm sure you've had those moments where time just stops and your brain splits in two and starts arguing... this was one of those times. I eventually convinced myself it was a terrible idea, because he was leaving on his mission in a few months... and I already knew I would be ridiculously sad when it happened. Holding hands would make it even worse. And, Ryan said he didn't want a girlfriend before his mission, and I had agreed with him, because I didn't want a pre-mish boyfriend. And holding hands was the sort of thing girlfriends and boyfriends did. So it was settled.

I started paying attention again to the opera.

Then Ryan whispers in my ear, "Hey, can I hold your hand?"

Whoa. "What?" I cannot have heard that right. I can't have...

"Uh... Can I hold your hand?"

Apparently I did hear that right. "Why?"

I don't what he had been expecting me to say, but it obviously wasn't 'why?'. He didn't know what to say... "Uhhh... because... because I'm scared?" He said it in a silly sort of voice that meant he wanted to... just because he wanted to.

"No!"

"Oh. Okay." And with that the next scene started and he slunk down in his seat.

After the opera, we went to the library and watched Home Star Runner videos for awhile. I think that by that time, my brain had turned to some sort of ghastly green mush. I was so tired... So tired.

"What do you want to do?" "You want to watch something else?" "Wanna go somewhere else?"

I think a long stream of "I don't know"s was the only answer I gave Ryan.

Finally, I realized that I was tired. I told him so.

He just kind of looked at me for a moment. "You mean this whole time you've been trying to tell me you want to go home?"

"Uhh... no... no... well, I don't know." Oh shoot, I'm doing the 'I dunno' thing again. How extraordinarily annoying that must be for him. Then, "Well, I guess let's go home."

He walked me home, and he gave me an extraordinarily terse hug, and then I went inside.

Jackie ran out the door with pillow in hand... she was going to save us a spot on the sign-up list for the Monticello apartments for next year. We had all planned on sleeping over there, but I just felt so ridiculously tired...

In the kitchen, I was greeted by Rachel and Hillary. "Heeeeeeeeeyyy!" they squealed happily.

"Hi." Ooh, I sounded dead.

They stared at me. "Why the grimace?" I told them about the holding hands thing. Rachel laughed at me, as did Hillary, but it was a sympathetic rather than mocking sort. Hillary comforted me as best she could.

I cried for a bit (because usually Fridays are wonderful, and this one wasn't), then I went to bed.

So, all in all, yesterday was... horrid. But looking on the bright side...

Bright side. Is there one? Okay, stretching it. It is tradition at BYU for girls that the first time you hold hands with a guy, you owe your roommates M&Ms. The first kiss, you owe them all ice cream. Engagement... steak dinner.

So here's the bright side. I continue to not owe anyone M&Ms. I'd say that's a good thing?